Dreams

Ok. Today,we went to Kiel's parent's house for his mom's birthday. Kiel's brother's Daniel and Todd were there. But after we got home, I was feeling really tired. I ended up laying down and taking a nap. I started dreaming. What I dreamt still bothers me.

I dreamt that I was in the mountains somewhere, I'm not sure where. My brother, Andrew, was there. He had Mom's jewelery box with him. I was talking to him, and I asked him if I would ever be able to talk to Mom and Dad again. He looked at me and said, "No, we don't want you anymore. I don't think Mom and Dad will ever want you to be their daughter again." I started to run away from him, and no matter where I ran, he was there. He kept handing me Mom's jewelery box to me. When I looked inside of it, it had all of my baby jewelery; my necklace I wore in K-5, pendants that I have been missing ever since I left home and wondered what happened to them.. It was crazy. No matter where I went, he kept saying, "We don't want you anymore. You're not my sister anymore." Andrew looked older, almost like he was grown. He definately looked different than he did when I last saw him.

I awoke in a cold sweat and tears, and I hardley ever do that. Not to mention my clear skin had sprouted a zit on my chin. I felt emotionally drained, and weighed down. Even now, hours later, the dream is so fresh with me that I can't get it out of my mind. I think I'm going to call Anita. Anita always helps me to feel better.

Oh Stars...

I think my endometriosis is really flaring up again.. My stomach is uneven on the left side again. The quicker I can get insurance, the better. It's not uneven when I lay flat, only when I stand up. So that's a good sign, but once it gets to the point where it's uneven when I lay flat, I'm staring down the barrel of another surgery. I really need to hurry up and get insurance again.

Work went really well for the first night. I work again tonight, so that will be good. Trying to make as much money as I can (or is possible for what I'm doing). More to come guys :)

<3,
Tina

Dream about Mammaw...

My back is KILLING me. My lower back just feels like it's on fire. I hope it doesn't have anything to do with my Endometriosis, but only time will tell I guess.

So here's something interesting that happened within the last 12 hours. Two nights ago, I dreamt an incredibly vivid dream that I was sitting in Mammaw's living room. I was sitting on the couch that is up against the mirror on the wall. I could see all around the room. All of the sudden, Anita was sitting in Granddaddy's chair, Mammaw was sitting in her recliner, Granddaddy was standing next to her, and my Dad was standing in the doorway of the living room. Here's where it got a little strange. Mammaw's hospice bed was in the middle of the room, but Mammaw looked completely well. Just like she had always looked over the years. She was in that white shirt with the little flowers she had and her green stretch pants. She was very quiet. Then Curtis was all of the sudden there sitting next to me. My Dad started saying that he was there to help with Mammaw, which was weird because Mammaw wasn't sick. But I got the distinct feeling that we all knew Mammaw had passed away already, yet I still couldn't understand why she was there at first. Only after waking up and thinking about it did I come to the conclusion that Mammaw was there in spirit, because she didn't say a word, she just observed. My Dad started talking in a loud voice saying that he was going to help out more, and that he was sorry for not being there like he should have been; however, I got really angry after hearing this. I stood up and started yelling at Dad. I was saying that I didn't believe him, that he was saying all of that to save face basically, and I looked at Curtis and Anita and they both looked at me and agreed with me by nodding at me. Curtis had a smile on his face but in a very sarcastic way. My Dad started talking over me and I told him to BE QUIET. I distinctly remember that part. Mammaw kept still and only looked in my direction when I got up and said to Dad, "You have done this for years. You say whatever you have to in order to save face and cover your butt. That's your gift in this life, and you're SOOOO good at it. It makes me sick." Mammaw looked at me and had a sad expression on her face, yet still didn't speak. Anita spoke up and said, "I feel sorry for you. You missed out on so much that Christina went through. You should be ashamed of yourself." Curtis nodded and said (in just the way Curtis always does), "Yeah, you really blew this one." Dad never moved, and didn't try to defend himself after that. I looked around the room one more time and that's when I saw Mammaw getting up out of her chair and walking to the door. I followed her to the door and she turned to me and said, "I have to go now. I have to go back home." I said to her, "Mammaw, you are home." She looked at me and said, "This isn't my home anymore." She opened the door but I couldn't see the street, I just saw a blur from the outside, and she looked at me one more time and said, "Be at peace with this. You can't keep beating a dead horse. You needed to say what you said for you to have peace with it. Now that you've said it, leave it alone. You can't do anything more. Just pray for them. I'll be watching." She was halfway out the door when she turned to me one last time and said, "Be careful and watch where you walk. You might hurt yourself." She walked out the door, the door shut, and I looked into the living room and her hospice bed was made. I tried to open the door but I couldn't. I kept trying to get the door open but it wouldn't budge for me. I looked at Dad and it was like everyone but me was frozen where they were. I went to the kitchen window and I saw Mammaw walking down the driveway towards the white car that was parked at the foot of the driveway. I turned around and that's when I woke up. That was 2 nights ago.

Tonight, I was coming home from the store and when I pulled into the driveway I wasn't watching where I was going. I was fiddling with my keys and walked right into a trailer hitch that was extending over the walkway. I've done this twice now in the past 2 days since the dream. I have an imprint of it on my shin. There's a bruise there that's forming, but this past time I did it, I remembered what Mammaw had told me in my dream "Be careful and watch where you walk. You might hurt yourself." It gave me goosebumps this past time I did it. I've done it twice since I had the dream and you would have thought I had learned the first time. The second time is when it really clicked and I remembered Mammaw's words from the dream. It made me miss my Mammaw. I'll pray that God gives me dreams about her more often. Even though it was an odd dream, I still earnestly felt Mammaw's presence.

Love you always Mammaw

Tina